The Artist

victor: (looking at a balloon with a cartoon monkey face) that is one nice monkey

reesa: ya i am really good at drawing monkeys

reesa: and nothing else. that is it.

Now that that's settled...

reese: creep.
c: funny. That's what Tony calls me.
reese: Hm. Lightbulb should be going off in ur creepy little brain.
c: hey. At least I'm an adorable, funny creep. Not many creeps can say that.
reese: I'll give you that. i'm just a lady.
c: A vulgar, dirty lady. Not many ladies can say THAT.
Reese: yes, that is true. In any case, we are awesome.

Low-fat and still satisfying!

c: I want sushi.
reese: Mmm sushi. I'm gonna eat my arm.

Okaaayy....

c: yeah I'm so out of it.
reese: me neither.
*huh?*

A real friend regurgitates: vol. 2

c: you're gonna be jealous of the meal I just had.
reese: spit it out.

A real friend regurgitates: vol. 1

c: (annoyed at the delicious photo of food that was sent to me) WTF are you guys eating?
reese: Baby so much yumminess. By accident. Ill throw it up in ur mouth later.

Off you go!

[in reaction to Tony being mean]

reese: I'm gonna wrap his little ass up and mail him in a ups box to where he belongs in mexico

More than a friend...

Reese: He's not even a friend. He's a retard.

a new superhero?

reese: I am f'in magificently retarded. Call me the great Magnotard!

I don't even know her

Friend in car: Reese, do you like to read?

Reese: Who's Tereid?

How to get away with murder: Lesson 1

Reese: Yeah I wud suggest putting honey in her body lotion or bug repellent so a bear eats her. It'll look like an accident.

Fat bastard

Reese: Oh my god, I just drooled a little on my keyboard after typing cheeseburger. WTF. I have no other comment on this as I am so disgusted with myself I cannot put words to my feelings.

What continent is that in again?

reese: yeah, buddhist funerals ARE cool. We should move to Buddha. Wait...no, that's not right. Don't tell anybody I said that.

One of hundreds of Will Farrell references

Reese: Its like Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory after he can no longer work as a professional ice skater and he joins some corny show on ice.
It was the best part of the movie, and now it will be my life...

Hopefully, she had you at hello.

Let's have a jerry maquire moment and you can grab my fish bowl and declare that you are coming with me. yeah??

The Midas Touch

on how awesome Fright Fest was last year...

Reese: I just know anything we touch is gold. We're golden. We're fuckin money, baby.

Mr. Hanky's idea of a cocktail...

reese: Totally drank 'go to the bathroom' tea instead of green tea...by accident. Considerable difference in that you go to the bathroom a lot. A LOT.

Si Se Puede!

reese: I'm not voting. I am only one person and I cannot make a difference

Shoot the puck in the fieldgoal!

reese: Oh wait, we are gonna watch sports and shit?  Wait wait wait. Not feeling comfortable anymore...not sure what to do...freaking out... 

This merits further explanation, I'm sure

Reese: I'm so not in the loop.  Thats cause I have zombie rabies. UUGGHHHH.

Mexi-can't

-On going out for cinco de mayo...

reese: I love Mexicans so I will be there in bright colors to support my peoples and drink tequila while riding my donkey.
Wait, is Cinco de Mayo a Mexican thing? Well, whatevs. Count me in.

Ringling Brothers, Reesnum and Reesley's Circus.

reese: there’s no room for TWO dancing monkeys. and I’ve already got the job.

-On why we can't let Bob into our circle of friends. (names have been changed to protect the feelings of certain individuals)

One person's happiness is another person's disease.

reesa: being at this wedding is worse than getting aids.

birthday

victor: so today is my birthday

reesa: OMG hunny i'll be right there with your cake...

(i took this semi-seriously)
(i did not hear from or see reesa for the entire day, and im pretty sure that she was on vacation for the next few days)

estupido.

reese: how do you spell por favor?
c: you just spelled it.
reese: oh.

it'd be weirder if she followed through with the threat.

reese: I feel weird for having to issue an email apology for threatening to choke someone to death this morning.

starbux?

victor: going to starbux
want?

:: a few moments later::

reesa: Yes, but I feel as though it may be too late....

haunted house

reese: I need you guys in my haunted house. I kicked out two older volunteers that I can't curse in front of.

victor: ok. that's cool

??? wtf

reese: I loved Boston when I went. You know what, its a great place for beer lovers. I remember alot of breweries. Wait, no I just combined memories from DC and Boston.

victor: ok

is that even possible?

reese: i'm gonna take a quick shower. should take me 30 min. unless i drown.

random email with reesa

victor: these are a few of my favorite things:

pumpkins
mustaches
melba toast

reesa: these are a few of my least favorite things:

wild boars
macadamia nuts
gangrene

dirty girls

reese: are you gonna shower or are you gonna turn me on...make up your mind.

-she said to Danielle...

we owe them big, fat time....

reese: Fat girls really piss me off but without them we wouldn't be as hot.

Hanes (not) Her Way.

on not having done laundry before our trip to Nicaragua:

reesa: damn it. i'll grow out my pubes. it's nature's underwear
c: that's really fucking gross.
reesa: so u think god and his creations are gross?

blasphemous s.o.b.'s we are....well...S.O.G., in her case.

a conversation about overzealous religious people:

reese: these jokes during passion week are a quick way to get into hell
jo: gosh, and easter's this sunday
reese: yup good work my friend
jo: thanks
reese: we shall keep digging that hole deeper and deeper
jo: it's a deep burn
reese: until god leads me to the burning bush and says STOP DUMB ASS

come again?

reese: i had up-mauve and egg curry. so yum.
cc: Up-mauve? It sounds like it tastes like a crayon.

brainwashing the world, one baby at a time

reesa: baby just smiled from ear to ear after seeing a pic of your dumb ass. memory's a bitch. i'm gonna show her terrifying images back to back with urs so she associates u to evil.

isn't that always how it happens?

in regard to relationships:

reese: well, ya know... convenience + boredom = boyfriend

whoops.

reese: ...i'm gonna come anyway.
c: that's what she said.
reese: haha... oh wait. that also made me horny by accident.

There's our happy little optimist...

"n": you're totally a closet hope feeling, faith-believer.
reese: How dare you.

unexplainable....

reese: monogamy is only fun when you cheat

roses really smell like poo poo poo....

"fuck that. I wont look like some spring turd this season"

on her new look of wanting to wear black all the time, and declared she will never wear yellow during the spring time because it's gay and she will look like a flower...

vomit's always in season...

looking at an ugly dress at TJ Maxx

reese: it's like throw up...on a hanger

a.k.a. reesa on a hot, humid day.

reese: gonna carve out my stomach and then kick someone's ass
preferably someone who is wearing brown and black together, i fuckin hate that
oh no, scratch that, someone with frizzy hair

well, everyone likes bewbies.

reesa: i'm going to explain to him that he has turned me into a lesbian
thats gotta be a hit to a mans ego

As opposed to aiming slightly to the left...

Reesa: its like god shitting directly on ur head

I swear, she likes me sometimes.

Holy shit. I forgot I beat the shit out of you as a good bye. That's so stupid and cute.

-regarding the time she gave me a black eye after a nice weekend of bliss.

Bored to death...

on a conversation about Death knocking at our doors:

reese: like hey lets grab a drink first then we can take me to hell

and on Death's mode of transportation:

reese: hey, heres my canoe... just jump in, be careful, it leans over when u hit a wave oh this river, its just the river of death

just call her jack.

reese: my new plan is to be a jack of all trades. but a master of nothing.

About this thing....

In an effort to document the raucous hilarity that spews out of Reesa Abraham's mouth, Cristine a.k.a. CC, and I a.ka. Jo, had this genius idea to start TextsfromReesa.com.

Here we'd like to use this as a forum for those who are in touch with this woman on a day to day basis and want to share the words of wisdom, cringing curses, 'mind-bottling' outbursts (yes, mind-bottling...You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?), hilarious jokes, and just pure, fun, love from our dear friend.

Whether they're via texts, G-chats, phone convos, or in-person, we want to get them all on here so we can show her how Down, yet intelligent she can be sometimes.

Feel free to share with us your Reesa moments at textsfromreesa@gmail.com, or leave them in the Comments section on any of our posts.

NOTE: We're all doing this on the down low, and want to give it to her on her birthday - so PLEASE be slick and smooth when sharing with us.

One love all,

Jo and CC